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I thought I might like to add my own Top Ten List to this year’s parade of annual reflection.

2014 was a year.

No, that’s not right. 2014 was terrible. A wasteland made of the dust of abused hope. A flailing leprechaun set aflame. A lobotomized ferret…

ANYWAY. Here’s my

Top Ten Horrible Things That 2014 Was.

10. A wasp-filled day overcast with yelling fear angels.
9. A black closet containing dehydrated fairies and dead kittens.
8. A soup of tears and poison.
7. Banshees flying a garbage truck into an active volcano that spews the legs of beetles, and then bodies of beetles.
6. An old, dead carp.
5. Fifteen eyeless zombies who sing “Good Morning” to you at 4:30am in atonal harmony.
4. A bag of decayed, severed limbs found in the bottom of your pantry while you look for stale, unsatisfying croutons to add to a wilted salad of bitter greens.
3. Thousands of indestructible crickets in your sofa.
2. A giant laughing ghost who steals your soul and knits it into a hat for the Spider King, Head of Subterranean Slave Operations.

And the Most Horrible Thing that 2014 Was, as selected by me:

1. Your dead Aunt Lucy sitting at your dining room table, asking for a back massage.


An actual picture of me on my summer vacation.

Thank you. That was helpful.

Happy New Year, everyone!